blessed

i'm having chest pains right now & i hurt so bad i can barely sit on my couch. my doctor called & said all of my labs were normal except for my blood glucose, which was 145 & not fasting. so she is going to send me a lab slip & wants me to come in & do a fasting blood draw soon. i'm not terribly worried because i know that day was off. i had eaten barely anything, just mainly espresso with milk & splenda. i think maybe i nibbled something, i can't recall. honestly that day was a blur. i think that's a bit high, but it's not terribly high. i have to say though, wouldn't it be totally fucking ironic if i wind up having gastric bypass to get healthier & then i wind up getting fucking type 2 diabetes anyway? right before they drew my blood, as in, oh, one minute before, i had just finished drinking my coffee.

over the past couple days i've talked with some friends about the medication route. i still really don't want to do it, but i'm getting worse. a lot worse by the day. i go to work in the morning & i become a lot like a ferret. i hide my pain & put on a brave face & show people what they want to see. & then, at the end of the day, i limp home completely wrung out & exhausted. tonight i stopped at cub to pick up some fresh fruit & i was so fuzzy headed i could barely think while shopping. i got home & wanted to skip dinner because it just seemed like too much work to microwave something. in the end i wound up eating a couple of strawberries & a piece of pizza.

right now i feel so weak & everything seems overwhelming. & yeah, the bullshit with E weighs heavy on my heart. & my fuzzy cassidy is depressed & misses his sweetheart lily. & that hurts to watch cassidy be hurt & i can't do anything about it. yes, i know some people are thinking "they are just ferrets." but really, they are much smarter & more intuitive & sensitive than people think. & while i am hurting badly about E it's really my eating disorder that is more concerning.

some of my friends & family want to blame E for my decline in health, but this had started before last week. i've been treading water in terms of my eating disorder for a while. my life has been chaos since december & i've been trying to figure this thing out. every week i go to therapy & every week i try to do my best, in every meal, every day, every hour. it just seems like it's not enough.

& i keep hearing that i'm strong & i'll be ok & i'll get through this even stronger on the other side. but why can't i have faith in that? maybe because right now i'm running low on everything. well, almost everything. i am really fortunate in that i am getting a lot of support from my friends & family. last night a friend from the east coast called. he was talking with me online & called to see how i was. today another friend that i haven't talked to in a few weeks just randomly texted me. i asked him how he knew i needed a friend & he said he didn't know, just that i had been on his mind. & then sinead called me tonight. so i am very blessed. while i'm having difficulty having faith in myself i do have a lot of people that are showing they care about me & love me. i have to admit, that helps. just knowing that there are so many people around that care about me & really want me to get better & want to help me in anyway that they can.

while i really don't want to do it, i am thinking that tomorrow when i see ann i'll get a referral to see a psychiatrist at the emily program to talk about meds. like sinead & josey said, it doesn't have to be forever, maybe just for a little bit. & if it'll help me get evened out enough to get my eating under control & start to get healthy, then that's what i'll have to do. obviously being stubborn & living on espresso are not doing anything. oh caffeine, why have you forsaken me? i guess this just goes to show: there really are some problems that cannot be solved by coffee.

but, for right now. it's almost 10:30pm & it's taken me quite a while to finish this blog because i keep losing my train of thought..... & nearly falling asleep. so i'm off to bed & hoping for a good night's sleep.