sa-ay good-bye

another summer's gone & i'll be honest folks, i can't even begin to tell you what i did with my time. i know i worked at both my jobs, so i worked a lot. i quit one job & started a new one, even though i'm working in the same building in the same cube, so it doesn't even feel like a change.

i've wasted lots & lots of time. gotten done very little writing. & have no clue where the last three months of my life have gone.

oh, & i've gained a few pounds & worked out very rarely.

yup, that sums it up.

september 1st, could be a new start, eh? a time to finally get it all right, again? three years ago september was a time of rebirth for me. my nephew died september 7, 2003, just three days shy of his three month birthday. i flew to the east coast to be with my sister after his funeral. i stayed an extra week because she needed me. she smoked & cried & i thought, a lot, & we both drank, a helluva lot.

it was then that i found my totem, the dragonfly. it was also then. while my sister was smoking, her blue eyes permanently tinged red, a late-season dragonfly on the table, my legs up on the deck chair, staring into the sunset, it was then i picked me.

i'll save the dirty details for another day, but i was in a bad relationship with someone who was bad for me & treated me badly. & looking into that red sunset all i saw was logan's small grave & all i thought about was all that he wouldn't be doing. & i realized i'd wasted nearly seven years of my life on a complete asshole. ok, it was technically six years, nine months, but i say, close enough, right?

in the simple act of ridding myself of a person who was unhealthy to have around, emotionally, psychologically, & physically, i improved my health greatly. i also became a very vivacious & outgoing person, where before i'd been quite introverted.

so three years. not that much time, & yet a lot. if i can pull myself out of an abusive relationship, why can't i seem to pull it together to take care of myself now? to eat nutritious foods, meditate to ease my stress, & do the things that are needed for me to regain that confidence & guts?

how is it that two years ago i was returning from my desert odyssey with my vision rosy & optimistic & my head & heart bursting with ideas & moxie & self-love. my pores literally oozing sex appeal because of my outlook that made me sought after by nearly everyone who encountered me.

september 10th. the day logan's little lungs gave out, & just couldn't take another day. this september 10th i'll be going in to be tested for sleep apnea. i don't want to be sick. i don't want to be labeled with a "condition." but if it will help me get back to that person of two years ago. with energy & optimism, maybe then a condition isn't so terribly bad.